Dear AAD,

I've been having an affair with a married man for the past five years. It started at work so it is pretty easy to see each other or get away on business trips. We're madly in love but he won't leave his wife quite yet because he doesn't want his daughter to have a broken home, or the financial loss of a messy divorce if our relationship is disclosed. He needs to work his way out of it slowly. I think it's admirable that he's so concerned about his child's family life. He and his wife have such a cold relationship that it's not really like he's cheating on her anyway. He's never come out and told her about us, of course, but says she knows their marriage is "as good as over". He swears they haven't shared the same bed in years either. They just share the same roof. I have his heart.

Anyway, I swore that I wouldn't be "the other woman" for more than two years (giving him a chance to work things out). My girlfriends are giving me a hard time because my two-year leeway has now stretched to five and they say I am "wasting the best years of my life". They don't trust him and think I deserve someone else who's "just about me", that I can be out in the open with. They say if he'd cheat on his wife, how can I trust him either? I don't think they understand that he is just the sweetest, most noble guy ever and he is going to leave his wife if I just give him time.

I feel sure that he really means it and that I will be his Mrs. in the next year or so. What do you think? Can you see that he is as sincere as I do or do you agree with my friends? Is it stupid to stand by my man?

-Patience from Pittsboro

Ah, work relationships. Does anyone know of any of these actually turning into something positive or long term — ever? When you say we are madly in love, is he saying that to you ("I am in love" / "I love you?") or is that just wishful thinking?

I don't believe his story about not leaving his wife because he doesn't want to have a broken home for his daughter or for financial reasons. Honestly those sound like excuses to me. This guy's solid "family values" went out the window as soon as he started the affair with you! It sounds like he's saying that to appease you… who knows what he's saying to his wife.

I bet you do bring joy and happiness into his monotonous life but he obviously isn't going to commit to you. You've already spent 5 years with the guy, waiting and wanting. That's not fair to you.

Try and listen to your friend's advice. You need to instill confidence in yourself and wake up and realize that what you are doing isn't just morally questionable but personally careless. I know love is hard to walk away from sometimes but seriously, WAKE UP!

If he really loved you as much as he says he does, you would not feel the way you do. All of the "reasons" he keeps coming up with do not amount to the way you feel for him, meaning I don't think he feels the same or as strongly towards you.

Bottom line, Patience, is that you need to say, "I'm not going to do this anymore. The affair ends now but if you mean everything you say to me, then our relationship can begin again only after you file for divorce." If he is not willing to do this then you have your answer as to whether or not he meant everything he said to you. I would listen to your friends as well and utilize the confidence that friends give us in times like these. Take your stand now and don't miss out on "the best years of your life" anymore.

You deserve someone that wants you for you. Someone who wants to have a "here we are world" relationship that everyone can know about. I'm sure you are a smart enough woman to realize this, so take your stand now and act accordingly. Love is a bitch sometimes and even though we can't control who we love, we can control how we act when all the pieces are on the table.

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